The Duality of Love: Beyond the Warm and Fuzzy

The Duality of Love: Beyond the Warm and Fuzzy

By Andrew Jackson

In our culture, especially in the West, we focus heavily on the warm, fuzzy side of love—the fun, the romance, the cuddles, the excitement. But love isn’t just about the butterflies and rose petals. There’s another side that often gets forgotten—the tough, uncomfortable kind of love. The kind that isn’t always pretty, but is absolutely necessary.

We've dismissed and learned to look down upon on half the characteristics of love. Such as holding each other accountable and setting high standards. Most think love is just about being nice and supportive, but real love goes beyond that. It’s also about having the courage to confront, to discipline, to do what’s best for those we care about—even when it hurts in the short term.

Think about the love it takes to tell your brother he’s unknowingly destroying his relationships. Do you think he wants to hear that? No. But if you don't say something, what's going to happen? Or the love it takes to remove your son from the family cell phone plan because he's throwing his life away? You're not trying to hurt your son. What you're doing is sending him a wake-up call that you don't support his decisions, neither morally nor financially. Another example would be telling new parents they need to look into early intervention because their child is showing signs of a developmental delay. It’s not a fun conversation, but if no one speaks up, that child could fall so far behind that they may never catch up, facing significant developmental challenges. Speak up and say something and now the child has access to those who can help. Sure the parents could be easily offended, but odds are they want what's best for their kid, and if they're offended in the short term it'll be worth it when their child starts communicating and interacting with the rest of the family. These conversations are not fun, fluffy, or Instagram-worthy, but they’re acts of love all the same and are far more important than the superficial half-hearted compliments or empty words of encouragement. Sometimes we need to get to the point.

This side of love demands selflessness, discomfort, and courage—qualities we tend to shy away from. It means choosing the bigger picture over instant gratification, enduring short-term awkwardness or resentment to ensure a better future for those we love. But let’s face it: most of us are not very comfortable causing discomfort, especially in the West. We’d rather keep the peace, stay comfortable, and allow people to have low standards. Even though it's likely hurting them and in turn society.

This is exactly the kind of love we need more of. The kind that pushes us—and our loved ones—to be better. Maybe you remember a time when someone showed you tough love, but you dismissed it, thinking they were just being mean or unreasonable. Or maybe you say, "They're right but I didn't like their tone". Maybe your dad set a curfew, and you resented him for it, not realizing it was his way of protecting you from yourself. Or maybe you watched a friend self-destruct because no one had the courage to say, “Hey, you're going to end up dead or in jail if you keep hanging out with those people.”

We need to normalize this type of love. Love that’s not always comfortable, but is always in the best interest of those we care about. So how do you build this “tough love” muscle? Start with yourself, be the example.

Identify what’s holding you back from living your ideal life. Maybe it’s those video games that keep you from starting a new business, that late-night junk food is why you gained 10lbs last year, or the endless social media scrolling that keeps you unmotivated and feeling defeated. If you love yourself, you’ll make changes and you'll be honest with yourself about how to do it. Set yourself up for success: get rid of the junk food—you can't eat it if you don't buy it. Cancel the subscriptions you tend to binge on instead of creating content. Put the PlayStation in the closet and create an environment that supports your goals. If you can’t cut things out entirely, set boundaries—schedule times when you're allowed to play video games or even better, don't allow yourself to play video games until you accomplish specific goals for the day. Whatever you decide to do stick to it. If that’s still not working, change your environment. Go to the library when you have things you want to work on, or go work at a coffee shop, do whatever it takes to keep temptations out of reach.

And yes, the same goes for the people in your life. If your friends want to eat McDonald’s all day and you’re trying to be healthier, don't banish them from your life—just kidding. Instead, suggest a different plan. Tell them you're going somewhere else to get a salad and invite them to join you. You might be surprised; your friends probably want to make better choices too, and your courage to suggest a change might be exactly what they need. Now instead of pursuing your goals alone you have a little community you can lean on.

What if your friends want to go to a concert but you've set financial goals that make it so you can't go? For instance you’ve hit your weekly budget and can't go. What do you do? Easy, but probably uncomfortable. Tell them you’re working on something important in your life, and unfortunately, it’s not in your budget to go to the concert this week. However, you can grab a drink with them beforehand (if it’s within your budget). Or you can suggest something free for everyone the following day. If they get upset, then maybe they’re not the friends you need right now. Want to get in shape? Start simple—commit to showing up at the gym and moving for 30 minutes. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s not about being the best; it’s about building the discipline to keep showing up for yourself.

Life will throw challenges at you. Your boss might get mad at you, your car might break down, you might get sick, setbacks are going to happen. You can't control it, but you can control how you react to them. Loving yourself means not letting other people’s actions dictate yours. Emotional intelligence is key to navigating these events—recognizing when you’re being triggered and choosing not to react in ways that hurt you. Don't throw away your progress in the gym on a donut binge because someone makes an off-putting comment about your clothes. If you set a goal to get a project done but fall short, don't sabotage your next day by staying up all night playing video games or watching a new TV series. Instead, love yourself enough to identify how you feel and why you feel that way, remind yourself about your goals and how accomplishing them will make you feel. Stay on track. If goals start to seem too unrealistic, challenging, or just simply not what you want, adjust them. Make them simpler.

In summary: love yourself by setting goals, create discipline, and hold yourself accountable. If you stumble, love yourself enough to get back up and try again. Tough love isn’t just for others—it starts with how you treat yourself. And when you truly love yourself, you’ll be ready to share that love—the real, gritty, transformative kind—with the people around you and create change at a larger scale.